On Having It All Together

We are less than a month away from deployment #3, and if you ask me how I'm doing, I'll be all like, "We're used to this" and "We just want to get this over with" and "I'm okay, thanks."  And all of that is true.  We are used to this.  And we do want to get it over with.  And overall, I am doing okay.  But I'm noticing some little things.  I'm noticing that small struggles like not finding the right dress for J.'s homecoming this weekend, or running out of my favorite tea this morning, are throwing me off more than they should.  Yesterday I was practically in tears over a frustrating text.  Today I had a lump in my chest all afternoon because I was worried about a work thing that, really, is no big deal.

And truthfully, I'm exhausted.  The knowledge that I'm going to be doing everything I do now, and more, while D. is over in the Middle East for the next year makes everything more exhausting.  I can't focus at work, and my poor boss is so wonderfully forgiving.  But I don't want to not do well.  I want to be strong and capable, and I want to handle all this upheaval in a way that will cause people to be amazed.  I want them to admire me.  I want to excel.  I want to rock this deployment in a way that causes people to marvel at my capabilities.

We do this.  And by "we", I mean women.  Or moms.  Or Army wives.  We are constantly striving to do more, and to do it all perfectly.  I can work all day, drive my kids to their respective activities, and still have a healthy, organic, whole foods meal on the table when my husband gets home from the office.  I will make my own laundry detergent and window cleaner because it's better for the environment and for my family.  My children will be showered, dressed, and well-put-together for church on Sunday morning and I will be smiling and friendly and helpful.  My house will be perfect and my car will be clean and I will fit in yoga and book club and a night out with girlfriends.  My bills will be paid and my children will have the latest styles and I will have my hair professionally highlighted.  There's no reason we can't just do it all.

Except there is.  There is a reason.  The women we see on television or in magazines or even among our friends on Facebook?  They're not showing the whole story.  They don't have it all together.  The picture of the smiling family in front of the perfect Christmas tree?  That kid is covering the grape juice stain on the carpet and you can't see the five baskets of unfolded laundry behind the couch.  But we hide those things, even though we all have them.

So I'm calling foul.  I'm telling you that I don't have it all together.  There are dust-bunnies under my bed that are bigger than my dog.  I don't think A. had a shower last week because I forgot to tell him to take one.  We are flat broke right now.  And I have a zit on my chin that just won't go away, no matter how many essential oils I slather on there.  There are weeks and months when I take things one day at a time, and I fall into bed at night knowing that I failed again.  And it's okay.

So back to deployment.  I will survive.  My kids and I will support D. through all of it.  We will travel a little while he's away, and I will keep up with the bills and the house and car maintenance.  I will work hard at my job and I will smile and be friendly.  I will still have book club and small group and go out with my girlfriends.  But I will also tell you that things suck sometimes.  I may cry for no reason.  I might cancel our plans just because I want to sit in my bed, eat ice cream, and watch mindless reality television.  I might lie and tell you that things are okay even when they're not.  And I might even hibernate a little because I don't have the energy to be a good friend.  Because I'm strong enough to show you that I don't always have it all together.  I'm capable enough to know when I've had enough.  And I'm going to rock this deployment in such a way that is honest, and real, and completely me.  I'll ask for help when I need it.  I'll cry because I'm stressed and exhausted.  I'll cancel our plans because I  know you love me anyway.  And I'll be okay.

And maybe next time you need to fall apart, you'll know it's safe to fall apart with me.  Because I don't have it all together either.  So then?  We can NOT have it all together, together.

Meatless Mondays--Michael Symon's Fettuccine Alfredo

You guys.  This. Stuff. Is. Amazing.  I'm not even really a big fan of Fettuccine Alfredo, truth be told.  It's always too rich for me.  But this looked easy and quick, and I decided to try it, and Oh. My. Gosh.  The crazy thing is that you don't even use cream.  It's just butter and cheese, salt and pepper.  Amazing.

We're not really a "meatless" kind of family.  My husband D., especially, is a meat and potatoes kind of guy.  My daughter J. gave up meat for Lent, though, and hasn't actually eaten a real meal in weeks.  She's been surviving on salad, cottage cheese, and cereal.  I decided tonight, after track practice, she could use some carbs and an actual, you know, dinner.  

This is the first recipe I've made from my new cookbook Michael Symon's 5 in 5, and I'm impressed so far.  I used fresh pasta that I bought at the fruit market, but I forgot to buy really good quality butter and just used Land O' Lakes.  It was still really good.  Also, do yourself a favor and buy real parmesan cheese instead of the icky kind in the green shaker.  It's totally worth it.

So here's the recipe:

And here's how it turned out:

We just finished eating, and I'm already looking forward to having it for lunch tomorrow!

Thank you, Michael Symon!!